I'm Crabbing Out!

I'm usually a "silver lining" kinda gal.

I believe God.
I do not believe in coincidence.

I believe that my life has been predestined ultimately for eternity with Him (it is up to every individual to decide whether or not to accept that predestination.) I also believe that based on our gifts and talents, God has an earthly plan for us, of which the main point is to bring as many people with us to eternity as we can!

The trouble is, these days, my silver lining seems to be fading a little.

It's been slowly fading for awhile, but I am always careful to remind myself of the fact that God is in complete control of the situation at hand, and He is neither shocked, weary or feeling out of sorts like I am.

For whatever reason, I seem to be unable to score a job of any kind. Again, it is not lost on me that God is in control.

So.... based on the characteristics and talents that God has gifted me with, I am spending a lot of time volunteering my services in whatever way I can - praying for others, spending time with friends, encouraging them, playing taxi, cleaning or organizing homes, making meals and babysitting my dear little niece. Not to mention, my mom's radiation has started, so there's more taxi role-play coming up!

Now, I get that these are all "good" things. This is not a pat-my-back or toot-my-own-horn session, so just hang with me here-

Through this life crisis which is very quickly equalling a financial crisis, I have relied heavily on God to provide for me and the Holy Spirit to pour into me so I can pour into others. It seems to have brought me to a very strange place. Over the course of the last few weeks, while my get-up-and-go is getting-up-and-leaving, dear friends have made the comment that because of how I function on a day-to-day basis, they just simply did not realize how bad things really were.

I kinda waffle back and forth between:
1) Good! That means the Spirit is filling me and I am not behaving like a victim of my circumstance.
...and
2) SOMEBODY please notice my ailing spirit and send me a pick-me-up!.... I love gerbras!!! LOL

I know, I know. I am sounding sooooooooo not spiritual AT ALL. This is where my silver lining gets a little foggy. While I LOVE filling needs that I see and enjoy the flexibility to be able to do so (which I couldn't if I was working), I sometimes wonder when MY needs will be met - like maybe restoration for my farm!?!!!!!

I want to serve. I love to help. I live for encouraging others. What I hate is feeling like I'm just not that strong. When is MY world going to be righted? WILL it ever be righted? And if people could see me in my four walls, they might wonder what happened to my spiritual ardor! Is it always necessary to be so strong? Is that my job now? I don't want to let anyone down. I don't want them to know that I fall sometimes....and get crabby! Yes, I'm feeling a little Israelite-ish, and grumping away here.

Exodus 16:9
'Come before the Lord, for he has heard your grumbling.'

I just might be in for a holy spanking!