Unsettled

My time with God this morning seemed so fruitless. I felt so restless and disturbed. I asked God for a picture of why I was feeling that way.

God brought me back to a time of prayer awhile back, where he had shown me a picture about where I was at in my soul about this "un-farm" situation.

The picture had been a seascape - dark sky, dark deep water, a row boat. I am not anywhere in the picture. Jesus is, but I'm not sure where. It was like He was asking me to fill it in - where did I want to be in the picture? I looked at it. Well, obviously I didn't want to be IN the water...but the row boat didn't look all that inviting either - safe, but not inviting. On the water! That's where I wanna be!

Further on in my prayers He gave me the picture again. This time, it was filled in. Sure enough, I was in the water. But I noticed something. I wasn't crashing around, flailing or panicking. I still had the sense that Jesus was there. Not only that, the water wasn't nearly as deep as I had first thought. It was still dark but it wasn't rough. My footing was sure. In fact, the water was not quite chest-deep. I was ok. I was at complete peace with being in the water.

Today that picture changed. Today, while I was in the water, my face did not register peace, but worry. I repented of it and asked God to fill me again with peace.

It is not coming naturally for me to believe that He has done so, so I will simply believe that he has and continue to lay my unrest at His feet a hundred times today if I have to! No amount of worrying is going to change my circumstances.

When I manage to look at the big picture through peace-colored glasses, I am excited for what God is doing, and will do! There are pieces missing cuz it's a puzzle picture and upon completion, I will be in Glory.

But sometimes, Like today, I wish God would give me a glimpse of what some of those missing pieces are.

...then again, maybe not! Careful what you wish for? Ok. I'll stick with the picture of peace in the water, but don't think I've forgotten where I want to be in that picture.

I'm waiting for that part of the picture to change.

The Fine Line Of Struggle

Yesterday I was trying to express that I'd rather be in a storm with knowing the power of God, the love of Jesus and the whisper of the Holy Spirit, than have smooth sailing, knowing only that - smooth sailing!

David says it so much better in Psalm 60:3&4

You have shown your people desperate times; you have given us wine that makes us stagger. But for those who fear you, you have raised a banner to be unfurled against the bow.

In Psalm 59 David is asking God to deliver the Israelites from their enemies. But then he asks this in verse 11: Do not kill them, O Lord our shield, or my people will forget.

That's it! We forget who God is and what He said He can do when when the road is wide open and clear.

I DON'T WANT TO FORGET.

Notice that when David asks God not to flat out kill their enemies, he's got a little clause in there...O Lord our shield.

That's my clause too. God, don't completely obliterate the hard nasty stuff, but don't let it overtake me either. Give me just enough desperate times to make me remember your love, power, and your voice.

That's the fine print at the bottom of my prayer, just before I say 'amen.'

I can feel David's struggle here cuz of course he wants to be delivered - oh the stress relief!
...But God, if it's all so good again, we'll forget! We'll forget all about You! So Lord, could give us just enough trouble to keep us at Your mercy? But if You're gonna allow trouble, You have to provide shelter from that. So just sign here on the dotted line Lord. Whew! I think this will work. I'm OK with whatever gets flung my way so that I stick with You like white on rice, as long as you are going to get my scrawny butt out of there in one piece. Capeche?

That's what I mean.

You know that old saying "be careful what you wish for"....
Maybe I should add that to the fine print part of my prayer too! LOL

Just Who's Understanding Are We A'Leanin' On Here?!

We have snow! The landscape of the prairies is turning into a winter wonderland.
Don't scoff at me! I can see you rolling your eyes at me cuz you braved the 60 km winds this weekend. But really, bare with me here - if I'm not gonna look at it as "winter wonderland"...WHO COULD TAKE IT FOR 5 MONTHS!?!!!!!!!!!

Well, as the months roll on and the season changes, God is continuing to prove His faithfulness. I am working really hard at getting up in what feels like the wee hours of the morning and consistently taking the time to pour out my sin, let Him pour the good stuff into me and worshipping Him for who He is.

Figuring out who God is had been a bit of a challenge for me. I know Him by what He DOES for me! He's been a genie of sorts, much to my shame. I am reading through Psalms and I repeat to God what David said to Him so long ago. The More I learn about His characteristics, the more of Him I can picture in my mind's eye.

Sometimes I can see Him laughing at me - like I mean all out, guffawing cuz it takes me awhile to get out of idiot mode. Then other times I know He weeps over my sin. Still other times, He waits patiently as I sort out the sin that I JUST repented of 15 seconds ago! I can't imagine how frustrated He is with me some times...ok, lots of times!

The times I love is when I can see Him smiling at me. The times He says He is pleased with me. The times He says He loves me no matter what.

If there is one thing my "un-farm" has brought me to, it's a sweeter relationship with my Jesus. I've hunted for jobs, gone to battle for my depression, pinched pennies, reorganized some priorities, mostly, making time for Him. All I have is Him.

The age old Proverb " Trust in the Lord your God with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding and He will make your path straight" is my mainstay. I don't understand any of this. I don't get the global economic crisis we're in. I don't get the odd weather patterns the world is experiencing. War? Nope. Don't understand that either. Are Harper and Obama great leaders? Who knows? Least of all, is my understanding of my own personal financial crisis.

When it comes to my own little world, a year ago I would have said that get it! I get stability! Trust in the Lord with all your heart?....Hmmm. Not so much back then. Lean not on your own understanding?.....ohhhh, a whole lotta leanin' goin' on!

As far as the straight path...
I think there are a few bends in the road that need to be worked out, but one by one, we're straightening out some.

If I had the chance to go back to the way it was a year ago, I'm not so sure I'd jump at it. Even if God chooses to bless us by way of making our farm prosperous again, it would have to look a lot different! I just can't imagine not having the Holy Spirit filling every corner, every space, nook and cranny.

Nope. The way it was before just isn't good enough.