Balloons and SOZO

Thanksgiving has come and gone and I was in the zone! Loved it! Expressed my thankfulness and shed a couple of authentic tears, greatful for all God has brought us through. Even dared to think ahead to what God will continue to do in our lives.

That was a mear five days ago. Today, I'm quite sure BOTH eyes were shut this morning when I met God for coffee. My heart was not quite so full. I felt like a reasonable facilmilie of an old deflated party balloon - you know, the one your kid dragged home from some party that you later found behind the easychair because you detected the overwhelming scent of old latex? Yeah, that one! That's kinda how I felt this morning.

So what could happen in the space of five short days that would take me from "my cup overfloweth" to shrunken balloon syndrome? I wish I had an answer. I am not feeling inspired, perky, nor am I viewing the glass half full. I am desperate to get to SOZO Monday night so I can listen to the Holy Spirit and get to the bottom of this thing.

SOZO is the Greek word for prayer, healing and deliverance. The first time I went to SOZO I knew I wanted to deal with my depression. I've suffered with it for years. When I had babies I know I was walking around in a post-partum depression fog, but I figured it'd lift as the girls got older. Uh-huh. Here we are, some eleven-odd years later. Somehow I never got the memo declaring the past-due date. I think it's past-due. Time to deal. So I'm dealing. I have had some victory over it, but I know there is more to deal with.

This week was one of those weeks that I just wanted to take my shrunken-balloon-self and crawl back into bed once the girls were out the door. I've only told my close friends in the last little while what goes on with my depression. They were stunned to find out that if they call my house and have to leave a message, chances are, I am right there, in my bed, listening to it. Those days are so dark. When I am in this deep dark place, I can't wrap my head around anything that is good. I don't really notice my kids, I couldn't begin to tell you what there is in my kitchen for any one meal, I don't take calls from friends and exercise is out of the question. I'm not stupid. I know it's a vicious circle. The more I do nothing, the more territory the enemy gets. I know. So when I set out to find deliverance, I took that one step as a victory. Then I got to some of the roots of my prision of depression. Victory number two. Then I sat in a chair, waiting for my prayer partner to annoint me with oil and pray for healing for me as I watched some others do at SOZO. This is where it got wild. Five or six other prayer partners were asked to come and pray over me! Clearly, this is no small issue. Satan's got some serious territory here and is not letting go without a fight. So I thought to myself, "Bring it on! I'm ready!" And I was. I was sure it would be done because I was ready to let God do with it what He saw fit. I was so ready to go home with silence in my head - not this constant buzzing that I have. Not once did I doubt that He could handle it. I was sure my belief was all it took because the bible says to have faith. I had it in spades! It became clear that night as I lay my head down to sleep that it ws not over. The noise was still there. Why!?!! DELIVER ME! It is the cry of my heart.

A friend of mine shared this verse with me tonight at cell.
2 Corinthians 12:8-10
Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. But He said to me, "my grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong.

I could have cried! All week this week, instead of crawling back into bed, I depended on God to put one foot in front of the other for me. Victory number three.

I am waiting for Monday so I can continue this healing journey and in the process Lord, could You please restore my thankfulness?